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First off, ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
poisontaster used this icon and told me it was stealable. And I did. And it may be the best part of this whole whinge fest of mine.
So all this weird drama went down in my fandom of choice. And I'm relatively new to the whole thing. (Not the drama, I saw it all and watched the trainwreck coming.) I mean new to the wank that fandom creates. In the past I've always been completely removed from fandom insanity because I didn't actively participate. I read, sure, but I didn't write, hadn't been sucked in, didn't give a damn.
I know it happens all the time. I totally get that. But I'm sorta feeling fucked up by the whole thing. Like the fun that I was having has been overtaken by these weird social and political machinations that I don't get. And more than that, I don't feel like I'm apart of them. Just sitting on the sidelines watching, but this time I know more of the players.
That might be the weirdest part of all of it. It's not a huge fandom. It's not SPN, Harry Potter, Buffy, Torchwood, BSG or anything like that. It's As The World Turns for fuck's sake. I got to have - for a brief moment - this twisted idea that I had found a cute little niche for myself where I could get to know people and have fun and maybe improve people's days with my own random smutty (or not so smutty) goodness. Oh my ego. It's a dangerous place to live.
So yeah, I had this amazing May. In the end, I just kinda feel like why do I bother? And some of it I can answer. Once I realized that there were 31 days in May, I recounted my words and I had over 35,000 words that I had written. 35,000 words in one month. I haven't done that and enjoyed my writing in, well, a long time. So that just kicks ass and takes names. I guess I need to keep clinging to why I write. And the answer should be that I write for me. But the truth is that, if you write for fandom, aren't you also writing for others? I know I did. I crave feedback. Crave the part of me that is brave enough to show my work to other people.
Ah, fuck it. I've been sick for four days and I'm feeling stupid and vulnerable and disappointed. Sometimes the danger of teaching in a high school is you start to realize that you sometimes still live in on, and, worse than that, maybe I wish I was one of the cool kids. (Something I never wanted then.)
poisontaster used this icon and told me it was stealable. And I did. And it may be the best part of this whole whinge fest of mine.So all this weird drama went down in my fandom of choice. And I'm relatively new to the whole thing. (Not the drama, I saw it all and watched the trainwreck coming.) I mean new to the wank that fandom creates. In the past I've always been completely removed from fandom insanity because I didn't actively participate. I read, sure, but I didn't write, hadn't been sucked in, didn't give a damn.
I know it happens all the time. I totally get that. But I'm sorta feeling fucked up by the whole thing. Like the fun that I was having has been overtaken by these weird social and political machinations that I don't get. And more than that, I don't feel like I'm apart of them. Just sitting on the sidelines watching, but this time I know more of the players.
That might be the weirdest part of all of it. It's not a huge fandom. It's not SPN, Harry Potter, Buffy, Torchwood, BSG or anything like that. It's As The World Turns for fuck's sake. I got to have - for a brief moment - this twisted idea that I had found a cute little niche for myself where I could get to know people and have fun and maybe improve people's days with my own random smutty (or not so smutty) goodness. Oh my ego. It's a dangerous place to live.
So yeah, I had this amazing May. In the end, I just kinda feel like why do I bother? And some of it I can answer. Once I realized that there were 31 days in May, I recounted my words and I had over 35,000 words that I had written. 35,000 words in one month. I haven't done that and enjoyed my writing in, well, a long time. So that just kicks ass and takes names. I guess I need to keep clinging to why I write. And the answer should be that I write for me. But the truth is that, if you write for fandom, aren't you also writing for others? I know I did. I crave feedback. Crave the part of me that is brave enough to show my work to other people.
Ah, fuck it. I've been sick for four days and I'm feeling stupid and vulnerable and disappointed. Sometimes the danger of teaching in a high school is you start to realize that you sometimes still live in on, and, worse than that, maybe I wish I was one of the cool kids. (Something I never wanted then.)
